Today I just have to extend my sincerest apologies to my entire household. They are sometimes the reason for my madness and they are sometimes the “catch all” and they don’t have a damn thing in it. Today it was a little bit of both.
This post is literally just to make the hot mess parents feel better about their life. I literally feel as though I need medication to deal with my temper some days. Then there are days that I think to myself that it is no wonder why I act like a f*cking crazy person.
Hopefully this post makes those other parents feel better about losing their shit on a daily. I have this undeniable ability to go bat shit in about 2.5 seconds. My husband likes to talk about my lack of patience and I like to chalk it up to everyone around me acting like ass hats. I have 5 other people living in my house. They are my people….my family…the humans I keep alive. Well, my husband and I keep alive but, more or less it’s my job. So, when they are lagging behind acting like they have never lived in our home before, forgetting our typical routines, showing their “Goldfish side”, I get a little hot! (Side note: I refer to my children as goldfish periodically because it is like one trip around the damn bowl and they already forget what the hell they are doing!)
Our 6 year old for example, God love him, he is the tender heart. He is so thoughtful and caring and when he feels as though he has hurt your feelings he just crumbles. He is such a dear.
On the flip side….. he is always is slow motion.
I refer to his speed as, “sloth mode”.
I cannot express the rate at which my blood pressure rises when I am getting this kid out of the door, especially in the morning before school! What parent would not need medication to deal with this behavior? He is not doing it because he is malicious. That is just him. He cannot help the way he was made but damn, he could sure as hell use a tune up.
This morning we had 20 minutes until we needed to be out of the door. Now, you moms that get this time crunch know, you don’t f*ck with the morning routine because we are literally operating minute by minute and have that shit down to a science. My CHILD, my precious, tender hearted sloth of a child, eats one flippin’ lucky charm at a time and to make matters worse, he will ask when he is done what I want him to do! Like really son….we have been at this shit now for over half the school year and you are in your underwear and your hair looks like you left that hurricane booth at the mall. GET YOUR DAMN CLOTHES ON! That is what happens next! Clothes! …… Now!…. Jesus!
Then my favorite part of the morning comes…..tears…because he is emotional. OMG! Then my husband walks by with….”my aren’t we cranky this morning”. OMG! I CANNOT EVEN! There you have it….That is officially when bat-shit mode takes over and I consider medication to deal with my life. (Not really seriously thinking on it but, the thought has crossed my mind. Would it be such a bad thing?)
Our 5 year old, well his little ass lays in bed until the last possible second. Today was picture day. All I wanted was him to get up, put his shit on, and I needed to get him ready. He was moving about like the 6 year old. He is just the complainer and the needy one. Does anyone else have that, “needy child”? This is the kid who cannot function without assistance and has something wrong with them all the time. They are the, my head hurts, my knee hurts, can I have a drink, OMG I have to pee, KID! Makes me crazy!
Then we have Ruby, she is 8, she is sweet. She is kind of like Lucas, the 6 year old. They are both people pleasers. She just can’t hear. No, she doesn’t have a condition. She is my, “huh?” kid. She can never hear you. You have to repeat yourself 500 times. Then, if she feels like you are getting irritated and she doesn’t want to piss you off by saying huh again, she will just look at you with that deer in the headlight look. Oh it makes for a very interesting morning.
We cannot forget our baby. He is almost 1. He is the spoiled one. I mean he has 5 other people in his house that literally cater to his every need. He wants for nothing….until everyone is busy. He is…UP …MY….ASS! He wants to be held, cuddled, entertained constantly. If you don’t have time for that, well then you’re f*cked! He will make your life miserable. You can listen to the song of his people which happens to be a very loud battle cry that makes you want to drown yourself in his bath water!
I know, it seems as though I hate my children and I truly love them dearly. They are my world. 98% of the time I do embrace it, as my husband says. The other 2% I am literally calling them asshats in my head and considering a prescription to deal with my anger. Then I think, is it me? Maybe it is them? Maybe it is normal to have this issue with little people. They are little people after all. Is this what my mother used to warn me about? WTF?
So for the moms like me….you are not alone. For the rest of you who do not fall into this category….you’re a freak of nature or medicated. You are probably those people that wash your laundry, fold it, and put it away in the same day. I don’t understand you. You don’t speak my language. Go you though!
(Yes, I call my kids ass hats. They are sometimes ass hats. It’s ok. I don’t literally call them that when they are acting like ass hates. I cringe, grit my teeth, & talk to them like a normal mother. I only call them ass hats in my head. If you haven’t called your child an obscene name in your head, you are lying!)
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