When You Find The “HOLE” in Your Holy Matrimony…

Lifes Lessons, Uncategorized

Holy Matrimony….what the hell does this even mean? Like, is it “officially a Holy Marriage”?  Well, I am in constant assessment of my marriage and love life. Why?….. I have always wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mom. I was careful to find the man who adored me (most days). It was one of those things I had to have in order to be fulfilled and happy with the idea of what I had in my mind for my perfect relationship. It took me a while to get it right. I finally did and it has paid off.

Now, my relationship it is not perfect without any disappointments or hurt, pain, fear, etc. It is perfect in my mind because it’s a “working marriage”. This is what I see as two people constantly working toward making each other better and our life better together.  That doesn’t mean our marriage hasn’t had  what I like to refer to as, “relationship pot holes”. I have noticed there are actually “pot holes” in our life every where. What I have observed is that these holes are just like pot holes on an old dirt road. Pot holes are created by weather, seasons, and heavy traffic. If the water lays on the road too long over and over, a pot hole can be formed. Over time this hole can become deeper and wider. When there is more rain and freezing temperatures followed by warming temperatures, the hole grows.

If you care about this road then you will take the time to go back and fill these holes back up. You will fix your road. If you do not fix them then you spend more time swerving to miss the holes and damaging your vehicle then you do driving the straight and narrow. Eventually this road becomes so bumpy and hard to travel that you are absolutely miserable going down this road.

This is just like a relationship. We get busy in life, kids, work, etc. and we leave these holes in places in our marriage. We don’t pay much attention to them until one day we despise passing through or around this hole. We miss what was once there. We must go fix those holes. That may mean taking a little extra time to spend just talking with your spouse, making dinner together, going to bed together, or just making an effort to really ask how your spouse is doing and ask how you can make their life better.

Sometimes these holes get so large that you don’t know if you can repair them easily. It may take a lot of extra work. If this road is a road you enjoy traveling though, you will find a way to fix it. Ultimately, if you love your spouse and you want a good relationship then you will maintain the road consistently to travel a calm and happy path. If you don’t fix the road then one day you will have to find an alternate route to where you are going. It is all on perspective.

Happy Travels!

Acceptance

Daily Prompts, Lifes Lessons

via Daily Prompt: Acceptance

 

Today acceptance for me is the most difficult part about my day.

“Accept the unacceptable” ….is what I constantly tell myself.

Since I was very young, I have had an innate ability to remove toxic people from my life. I have had a very intuitive nature about me. I would be able to look at someone and know if they were good or bad for me. I was always able to steer away from heartache this way….until I wasn’t.moving-doesnt-mean-that-you-forget-about-things-it-just-means-you-have-to-accept-what-happen-and-continue-living-divorce-quote I have now, due to recent events, learned that acceptance is something you have to sometimes work for. Acceptance is sometimes the only thing standing in the way of your happiness. Before I found out my husband cheated on me, I thought he was wonderful. I thought he loved me the way I loved him. I thought he would always be my protector.

He acted in no way like the man I thought he was. I had to accept he was not who I fell in love with. Then I had to accept the fact that my life was forever changed. For me, I felt this instant draw for some type of normal in my life. I began clinging to him. I wanted nothing more than to just have him near. Odd, you would think I should hate him.  Parts of me did. Parts of me understood him and understood people make mistakes. What I had a hard time accepting he was never going to love me at the same caliber I loved him. Sure, he says he is a changed man, I do believe he is sorry and has changed. The realist in me said he couldn’t change over night. Not unless he finally found the same love for me I had for him. Can I really believe this right now though? I wanted him to rescue me and my broken heart. He wasn’t interested in that. He wanted me to move on and forget about his short comings. There was no rescuing me, no endearing motivation, not much of anything really. He just wanted me to accept the fact that he messed up, move on, & go back to normal.

I have learned acceptance has no timeline, rules, boundaries, or options. You either accept the unacceptable or suffer in your own miserable being. Acceptance means a lot of things to a lot of people. It changes your perception and alters your entire self. What you do with your acceptance will make or break you.

When The Rug Gets Pulled Out….

Lifes Lessons

As a wife and mother we sometimes look at the world with those blinders. We get so busy being the best that we can be that we morph into people that think everything in the world is as we see it. Everything we are looking at is what it is. What happens when your world gets rocked? What happens when you realize those rosy lenses you looked at your beautiful world through aren’t so peachy? What happens when your life is not as “perfect” as you thought it was. This can happen to any one of us at any time. There are numerous reasons this happens. This may be a sudden death of someone close to us, catch your husband having an affair, lose your job, get terrible news, etc. the list can go on. This is something I have always called that “pivot” in my life. It’s a point in my life where I make a turn and look at my life and nothing looks, smells, feels, or even sounds the same anymore. This pivot in my life is like a new path my life takes and I didn’t plan on it. What happens when you reach one of these pivots? I am also not saying they always have to be negative pivots. Sometimes there are positive points in your life where everything changes and you realize things will never be the same.

Today  I am talking about the negative ones. I am talking about them from the view of a woman. How in the world do you deal with them? It is something I have described and heard described as, “having the rug pulled out from under you”. You as a woman have to make a decision during these trying times. You have to decide if you will stay and fight to get your life back, move on and start a new life, or deny what has happened and live in the self pity.

I know from personal experience, you may go through all of these stages before you actually choose one to live with. Being a wife and mother is hard enough. When you have life altering things happen to you it is almost unbearable. You spend all of your energy on your family. You make sure your children are happy, healthy, & tended to. You make sure your husband is happy, healthy, & tended to. Then last comes you. The woman of the house. The engine of the family. You are always last on the list. So, when something in your life makes you rethink everything you once knew, what in the hell do you do?

 

1.STOP DOING IT ALL….When something major happens in your life you need to take a moment. Take a moment and let someone else help you. Give yourself more “me” time and less “mom/wife” time. It is okay to take a personal time-out. Call your bestfriends, mom, someone that you trust and get some time away. People will be happy to step in and help you pick up the kids, walk your dog, or go to dinner with you.

2.CHOOSE TO FORGIVE AND ACTUALLY FORGIVE….If your issue is infidelity or marital issues then forgiveness is so important. As a woman we tend to relive these terrible moments inside of our heads over and over. We over think situations because we were not there and we are trying to make sense of all of this. We are inquisitive creatures by nature and when something sends your world spinning like an affair….well…we no longer think with our rational mom or wife brains. We begin thinking with a more primal part of our brain. It will take you back to when I am not sure if we could stand on two feet, kind of primal crazy. If you can get past that and get your thoughts back and then you want your life back, if that’s even possible, you must forgive. All that, “forgiveness is for you”, bullshit people used to tell me about, well that happens to be true. When you have hate in your heart it effects every part of your being.

3. YOU DONT HAVE TO FORGET….. With what I said in #2, it doesn’t mean we forget. If you as a wife can forgive the man you trusted most, then that in itself is an amazing feet. You do not have to forget he screwed up. You just can’t live it everyday or bring it up to him everyday. I know as women we want him to pay daily for his faults. He really isn’t going to respond to this torment the way you would like anyway. So, why torture yourself? If you bring it up and talk about his faults every single day, how will you ever move on? You eventually have to get to a place where you can just understand that you chose to forgive him and if he needs it, you will remind him, but he surely won’t need it everyday. Not if he is the kind of guy who is genuinely sorry for what he did. He will need closure from his mistake. You wouldn’t crucify your kids for that party they should not have attended for the rest of their lives.

4. REMEMBER IT IS NOT YOU….In most cases we as women like to place the blame on ourselves. When our world is turned upside down we automatically assume we could have “fixed it” or we could have prevented this terrible thing from happening. Well just because we thought our world was one way and it really wasn’t doesn’t mean we could change it if we knew. If someone hurts you or cheats on you it is always their problem. They chose to be with you. If they cannot live up to the commitment they made then it is 100% on them. You cannot change their mind from the bad choices they inevitably make. You can only help them deal with the aftermath. Sometimes your choice is to leave them. That is okay too. Sometimes you just have to know when enough is enough.

In the middle of the storm you truly get to see how strong you are. You get to dig deep and you get out of the robot mode of motherhood and you get to see yourself and remember that you still have emotions and feelings. Damn, they really hurt sometimes too! This is a great time to know just how much strength you have. If you can stay and work through a mess then you are one strong woman. If you have to walk away from a situation and cut someone out of your life then you are a strong woman. No matter what you choose it takes strength.  You just cannot stay and wallow in the self pity forever. You will have days of it believe me. You just cannot stay there.

 

As a woman there is nothing that bothers us more than losing our trust in the people we love, the world around us, or ourselves. When one of these is lost we feel so out of balance it is hard to do our jobs as mothers and as wives. Recently I had to take my own advice and I tell ya, shit is hard. These pills are hard to swallow. Especially if you’re a bit of  a control freak like myself. I have just came to the conclusion I am worthy of a lot more than I was given and I wont settle for anything less than the best from here on out. When I feel someone isn’t treating me with the same attitude and love that I have for myself I will walk away.